Wisdom and Youth

Florence circa 2017, photo taken by Tara McGadden

Mindfulness is surprisingly useful all the time. I have tried to spend this time being as introspective as I can for the sake of personal growth as well as professional and academic improvement. I’ve done this while continuing to take advantage of the present and not be too much of a spectator. I have always lived vigorously in the present and sometimes to my own demise. Last fall I broke my first bone ever. It was my lower lumbar spine. This experience was jarring and it put many things into perspective. I was very lucky to still have use of my legs. Even so it took me time to really understand the nature of change.

I have always tried to hold on to my youth for fear of growing old. Something I am even surprised about because I am easily one of the youngest members of my graduating class. I see everyone trying so hard to grow up. It doesn’t make sense to me. A few people said,

“If youth is wasted on the young then wisdom is wasted on the old”

I want to be as wise as I can within my years and still use this wisdom while I’m young. My mind is healthy and my heart is in the right places, perhaps sometimes too influenced by a certain naivete of the world. I know there are realities that are true in the world. However, the fact that the world sucks so let’s all hurry up, get grown up and get over it, in my eyes, is so delusional. The world is amazing and so many opportunities exist with life. I am so lucky and proud to be a student at Carnegie Mellon University. So many would dream of being where I am now and I don’t plan on wasting this opportunity. Opportunities are hard earned and shouldn’t be given up on very easily. Regardless of what life throws at us.

All of the things that impact us on a daily basis; relationship, money, success, happiness, are perhaps distractions in themselves for what really matters. It is you. I’ve struggled with depression, failures in school, relationship mishaps. These things made it hard to realize my own self worth and the knowledge I had to give. I am always ready to hear another perspective and acknowledge something I couldn’t see beforehand. Despite this, the one thing I’ve taken away from these failures and success is that they can all be fixed, made better or thrown away. Nothing is written in stone, except something written in stone, ironically. Therefore, do not write anything in stone except your birthday and death. Everything in between is temporary so the best to do is milk every last sweetness out of life.

My joie de vivre comes from creation. I love to make things. Paintings, drawings, videos, photos, relationships, smiles, laughter, and success. Who doesn’t love winning? Losing is terrible. The biggest thing I learned this past semester of immersing myself in adulthood, something I haven’t truly done since starting college, is that success=failure and failure=success. This very basic fact that I’ve heard since a child has been proven to me by certain figures this summer. My roommate and best friend, my professors and my family.

There are many ways to deal with failure and to remain focused on one’s own goals. Mentors are very important, I’ve realized you must seek them out. Everybody needs support, we cannot do it alone. Whether I design the next significant building, unveil an innovative product or write some crazy manifesto, I will not achieve any of it alone. My name alone will represent these achievements, but they will also evolve on the backs of those who were around when I did. Once you find the right people, you need to remain open and honest with them. Most of them will come and go from your life when you need and want them. Some will stick around. These are the truly important people in one’s own life. I’ve always wanted to change the world. At first I believed in destiny, then I found some form of a god and ultimately I found myself. The latter was the most important discovery; every human is alive together and that is the most important connection there is in life. I’ve become better with the help of my mentors and friends. I am excited for those I am yet to meet. No matter how hard you try in anything, you cannot make people like you or agree with you. Trying to do so is primal and stubborn.

I have also learned about being tolerant and available to others. You can spend a lot of time observing people and being a spectator. Doing this makes it easy to judge people and spend energy on deciding what kind of person they are. Every person is deeper than a few interactions and their appearance. Stereotype threat is something everybody deals with. For some it is much harsher and more degrading than to others. I’ve been lucky to have halted a few of these degradations, even so I am aware of them and I understand how they affect people. Not only have I seen this in classes, but even in my personal life. It is easy to see the insecurities of some. It is even easier to take advantage of these insecurities but that only gets you so far. I don’t think I could ride off the will of others by using them even if I tried. I cannot say I haven’t done so in some cases, it ends up weighing on me. I want to shed this weight because my tolerance for guilt is low. The best you can do is take everyone's shortcomings as you have taken yours.

I know I have much to learn. I know I have learned a lot. I will never stop acquiring knowledge even if I think I’ve learned enough. I want to be the most honest and loyal person I know. Regardless of how I turn out and what I might be, I will never use people and hurt them for my own benefit. I will seize opportunities before those who are too slow but I don’t like the idea of my life being built on other peoples blood, (maybe some of their tears but anyway). I have learned the most about people and about myself this past summer. I am excited for the future and outside of my youthful splendor, I am the most responsible I have ever been and I am ready for what the future throws at me. Obstacles or gifts, I am ready for all of it.